"I'm Ready to Open Presents."

I was sleeping. I’m pretty sure if I knew what a sugar plum was, it might have been dancing in my head. From somewhere out of the darkness came a distinctive knock knock knock. Given the fact that my baby monitor had just gone belly up that very night, that subtle thudding is all it took to get me sitting straight up, heart thudding, fearing the fact that my baby may have been crying in vain for hours with no result.

Reality sank in and I realized what morning it was. It was THAT morning. The one morning of the year when children rise even earlier than early. That is to say, they wait until the deepest blackest part of the morning from which coffee won’t even offer up a life saver to help a person out of. Then they bounce from bed with enough enthusiasm to leave skid marks on the walls. And then they run for the tree.

That knock knock knock meant Smoochie was out of bed. I pulled my heart back into my chest, un-Velcroed myself from within the warm confines of the blankets and poked my head out of my bedroom door.

“Merry Christmas, Smoochie.”

“Merry Christmas. Mom, I’m ready to open presents.”

“Give us a minute, and we’ll be down.”

I slid my slippers on my feet and paused long enough to fill Bonehead in on the fact that Smoochie was awake and ready for presents. I rushed downstairs, still scared Critter may have been awake for hours crying because I had no working baby monitor. As I came into the living room, I realized it was quiet. Critter was not even awake yet, but since it was 5:45 in the morning, he was due to wake up soon. I let out a deep breath of relief, realizing he had not been awake for hours crying and he was just fine.

Then the condition of the living room began to sink in. As I looked around, I realized that although Critter hadn’t been up for a while, SOMEONE sure had been.

The presents that Santa had left under the tree had all been moved (and I suspect more than once). Not only that, but each and every one had been pulled out from under the tree, looked at, and placed in a pile for the appropriate person. And counted. I have a sneaking suspicion they may also have been categorized and stacked according to size as well.

According to Smooch, all we had to do was sit down and begin opening. Of course, he being the excited 7 year old boy he is, overlooked the fact that Critter was not yet awake, then would need changing, feeding, and so on. But that’s ok, it only prolonged the Christmas morning excitement a little bit longer.

Had my baby monitor not died, I would have heard him wake up. Instead, I will wonder for the rest of my days, what time, exactly, DID he wake up?

Close to Christmas Snippets

1. My blogging has been quite sporadic this month. My Mom has been in town from Florida since December 3rd, and will be staying with us through New Years Eve. She's been an absolute slave driver. She's all, "Chas, do your laundry! Now!" And "Lets organize your entire home! Yesterday!" And when she isn't cracking the whip, she's been complaining about how cold it is here. The woman was born and bred in the Midwest. What did she think she was going to find in the middle of December? I'm just glad she'll be with my Sister when the true cold front hits tonight- I believe I heard talk of temperatures such as "20 below with the windchill." This is February weather, in December, and quite frankly, I'm scared half to death of what February will actually bring.

My mom has actually been a giant help with both the boys and all of the home projects she has helped me accomplish. She's helped me get a giant jump on a good 75% of my eternally expanding house hold project list. I'm ahead on my New Year's Resolutions. I'm not sure which scares me more- that, or the thought of February in the greater Chicagoland area.

2. Just before Thanksgiving, Critter wound up with an ear infection. He weighed in at 13.3 pounds (at 9 months) at the doctor's office. He was 10 pounds when he was born. According to the doctor, in order to be in the (lower) 10th percentile for his age, he should weigh at least 17 pounds. So I received doctor's orders to fatten him up like a Thanksgiving Turkey. Now, don't get me wrong. He eats. When it comes to his food, he has always been a little piggy. For the last few weeks, I have pretty much tripled his food quantity, and feed him until I can see it oozing out his cute little Critter ears. It does appear to be working, however, we may have to file for Bankruptcy next week. That boy is eating us out of house and home for sure.

3. Right about now I am wishing we hadn't changed our plans and had left for Florida today as originally planned. (We brought my mom here instead) That cold front previously mentioned is scheduled to arrive at approximately 6pm this evening. I can GUARANTEE YOU that at approximately 6:01 pm I will be pulling my hair, kicking myself, and screaming like a madwoman (akin to that scene from Liar Liar when he beats the crap out of himself in the bathroom at the courthouse). What were we thinking?

4. I am horribly behind on everything Christmas related. I have a total of 2 presents purchased, and they are only stocking stuffers. My tree did, however, go up yesterday afternoon, so at least I can say I have accomplished SOMETHING. Bonehead and I will begin our Christmas shopping fiasco this afternoon, so I will soon require large doses of Starbucks and maybe a happy pill or two. I try to abide by the phrase, "It's not holiday spirit if you have to slap someone upside the head with it."

5. I have had a very difficult time finding the above mentioned holiday spirit this year. I blogged previously about my permanent grouchiness, and although it is improving it hasn't quite flown the coop yet. I did, however, have a moment with Critter this morning. Mom and Bonehead left to take Smooch to his wrestling tournament this morning, leaving just myself and Critter at home. I popped in a little Christmas music, and Critter blessed me with an early morning snuggle as we danced before our newly erected and fully lit Christmas tree. For a moment alone with my son, my worries and stresses melted away. I kissed his little soft cheek and smelled his sweet little baby smell and for at least one moment on this cold December day, my heart found its joy.

Secret Santa Can Suck It Swap, Round 2

Bee over at BeesMusings is hosting a Secret Santa Can Suck It Swap, and I am the lucky Secret Santa for Meg over at Prefers Her Fantasy Life. The whole purpose of the swap is to treat a fellow blogger to pictures of gifts you would purchase if you had the time, money, inclination, etc.

I have been a bit of a Scrooge this year (with a whopping 2 presents purchased thus far and no tree up to date) so, in true Scrooge fashion, my interpretation is this: What I would give if I gave a crap.

Hmmm... What I would give if I gave a crap...

Oh, no, sorry. That's what I would give if I gave a Carp.

What I would give if I gave a crap...

For the record, although no-bake cookies may LOOK like crap, they are actually most yummy. And no, that is not my gift. But now I want to make some.

So after a couple of days stalking your blog, what has your Secret Santa (a.k.a. your Scrooge-meister) picked for your Christmas pleasure? Three gifts.

1. The first one for your beer blogging pleasure.

"The problem with a drinking from a 40 oz, is that the paper bag you wrapped it in doesn't insulate the malt liquor properly, Now unless you start chugging, you're gonna end up with a warm beverage. Well, you need to hook yourself up with the latest in trendy malt liquor consumption accessories, the cool new 40cozy - 40 oz Beer Cozy . This neoprene insulated sleeve slides over the bottle just like a regular beer can cozy, but it also features a built-in handle and comes in two fly patterns, Royal Crowns or Bandana. Now chill out, you classy gangsta!"

2. The second one for the enjoyment of your electric meter reader (lets hope he's fairly intelligent). It's a Tesla doll. I think he's kind of cute.

"Nikola Tesla: apart from having a cool mustache and a potential love affair with a pigeon, he was a genius in the field of awesomeness. Who else had the nerve to challenge Edison in a literal power struggle (AC vs. DC)? Who else was keen enough to build an earthquake machine and literally rock the world? And who else did all this and more with literally shocking (literal is the word of the day) theatrics? Yeah, that's right. Tesla."

3. And the third for the enjoyment of the family. It's a graffitti wall, so the whole family can partake, like a family game night. My husband hates board games, he'd actually like this a whole lot better. I didn't read the fine print in the swap rules- Is there a penalty for taking a gift back after you've given it?

I think I want to keep the beer cozy too.

So Merry Christmas to you and yours, I've enjoyed my blog stalking excursion and will continue to stalk in the future.

Love, me.

Conversation from The Neurotic Household

Critter is officially 10 months old today. He woke up bright and early in a happy go lucky mood, but soaked through over the night, of course, so the first thing Mom has to do is strip and clean the baby.

Bonehead and Smoochie were already up (Unusual for a Sunday morning) preparing to leave for Smoochie's first wrestling tournament of the season.

As I changed and talked to Critter, he cooed and giggled back at me. His hand wandered (as it has started to do lately) down to his anatomy, and he grabbed a big handful. The following conversation took place at approximately 6:47 a.m. in the Neurotic Household:

Mom: "That's attached. It's not going anywhere. It belongs to you. It will be yours for the rest of your life."

Bonehead: "Or until you get married, boy."

I Won Something!!

Thanks to Kelly at The Neurotic Mom who hosted a wonderful Scott Giveaway, I won a year's supply of Scott toilet paper and paper towels. It's the first thing I have won in a very long time. Once (about 10 years ago- anyone remember Venture stores?) I was the 50th customer in line at a department store and won my entire purchase for free. Unfortunately I was finishing off my Christmas Shopping and had spent just under 50 bucks instead of the 200 dollars I'd talked myself out of spending. And on my Birthday when I was in the 3rd grade, I won a cake at the cake walk for my school fun fair. It was the best chocolate cake ever, next to Portillo's chocolate cake.

And yesterday, I found out I won 30 Mega Rolls of Scott Towels, and (10) 12packs of Scott toilet paper. Which happens to be 2 things I grumble about purchasing at least every other time I go to the grocery store. So now my beloved family gets to wipe and swipe for free for a little while. The world is probably a better place for not having seen the lengthy happy dance I did yesterday.

Have you ever won anything?

Pillow Talk

I got spoiled. Due to Critter’s sleeping habits and my desperate need to HAVE sleeping habits, Bonehead got bumped to the bed in the spare room upstairs while Critter claimed his Dad’s spot next to me. It wasn’t a long term arrangement and only lasted between 2-3 weeks until I got Critter on more of a ‘sleep through the night (mostly) schedule.’

Last Friday, with the arrival of Bonehead’s friend for the weekend and my own Mother’s visit with us through the holidays, Bonehead and Critter had to both go back to their actual beds. Critter has been doing awesome. He wakes up once a night. I roll him over, give him ‘Woofie” to snuggle with, cover him back up, and that’s the end of Critter for the night.

However, I didn’t realize how spoiled I was with a 13 pound infant next to me as opposed to Bonehead. In the span of 3 nights I have gone from mildly annoyed to wanting to plant my feet on the horizontal figure of my husband and push for all I’m worth. That’s a pretty mean thought to have for the beloved husband I’ve shared a bed with for 14 plus years. What would bring me to such drastic measures?

Pillows.

My husband has a fetish for pillows. To him, they are like shoes on a woman’s mind. He can never have enough. Two body pillows. Three big pillows. A couple of smaller pillows if he can find them. And sometimes my pillows too. Sometimes I think he sits at work and daydreams about pillows. Because when he comes home sometimes, to unwind, he walks straight to our bed, moves my pillows out of their strict formation and mashes them beyond belief, twists them like soft pretzels, and sprawls like a chalk line profile. It takes me days to get my pillows back where they should be- just enough time for him to do it again.

I keep waking up at night and wondering why I’m half off the bed, and my pillows are half off with me. It’s the pillow push. The man has so many pillows he sleeps against the other edge of the bed and then pushes them ALL MY WAY. My pillows are sliding off the bed because his are attacking them. I wake up choking on a stormy sea of fluff.

At one point in our marriage, he was losing his pillows to the space between our headboard and wall. I got an almost nightly wake up from the ‘flump’ my head made as it hit the mattress when MY pillow was yanked out from under it.

There are reasons I call him Bonehead. He threatens to steal them from me, my pillows. I have to keep a tight eye on them or they wind up mooshed beyond belief, sitting sideways and discarded inside their pillowcases. He has turned me into a giant pillow scrooge.

But I am home all day long while he is at work, and I can exact my revenge. Maybe they’ll be held for ransom. Maybe they’ll just be m.i.a. But whatever the case, whatever the revenge, he might find out sooner rather than later if he brings one. More. Pillow. Into our bed.

Evil laugh goes here.

Grump Butt

*Warning: This blog post contains negative vibes and an abundant use of the word ‘freeking’. Read further at your own risk…

It has dawned on me that it has been almost a week since I’ve posted anything. Nary a blog post or a list or a snippet or a picture has come from me in nearly a week. I could weave a tale of uber busy-dom, with a sick Critter leaving me no less than 20 antibiotic filled diapers that smell like a nail salon daily, copious amounts of snot and teeth that still have not come through. I could make up Thanksgiving world travels or Black Friday excursions, but the truth is I did none of those things (Except the diapers and I wish I could say I didn’t change those either, trust me). I drove an hour on Thanksgiving to a relative’s house, and sent my husband to Wal-Mart at 5am on Friday for a birthday present to give our beloved Smoochie this Saturday. So, why exactly have I been absent from the bloggy world?

Guh Rouch Eeee. I have been a bear wearing grumble bunny pants. I am grouchy. And I wish I could tell you why. Because it’s been more than a week, I am led to believe its not PMS related, and I can most definitely assure you every male in my home wishes it was so it could be done and over already. And the thing that kills me and makes it worse? Every single thing I get angry over is so totally little in the grand scheme of things that it’s so not worth it to stew for days.

My mother always preached to me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Now that I’m all grown, I try hard to live by this philosophy. 3 people in this world actually get to hear me bitch. Bonehead, my Mother, and my Sister. That’s pretty much it. So when my Mother called me last night in the middle of one of my flare ups, I let her have it.

“I’m a hamster in a freeking wheel around here. I clean a horizontal surface and someone immediately walks in behind me and fills it up. I’ve been trying to clean this house for over a week, and I’ve gotten nowhere.” In truth, I was just grouchy and had to vent it out over something- It wasn’t completely about me not being able to get the house clean. Again, little things.

My Mother and I share the same sad desire to walk into a store like Wal-Mart, place our arm as far back as we can on a shelf, and walk the entire length of said shelf, depositing every last nick and nack onto the floor. After offering me advice like, “Do what my father did and empty it all onto the floor.” She just wants to see her little fantasy come to life, I think.

Anyway, half way through the next part of my rant, she pipes up with, “So. How was your day?”

And I lost it and laughed. Rant over. Grouchy bug set aside till later. Later happened to be this morning, which has my grouchiness back in full swing. Seriously, though, I wish I could figure out the cause of my grumbliness because I’m normally a sweet, chipper, perky person.

And I don’t think anyone truly believes me when I answer the question “What’s your problem?” with the phrase, “I have no freeking clue.”
So, to sum things up and answer the question “Where have I been?”

Grouchy. I”ve been grouchy. (Insert grumble, growl, and grimace here) I’ll let you know if I figure out why.