What I've Learned This Summer Vacation

It has been a phenomenally long time since I have put anything on my blog. In my defense, it's been summer, I have one free weekend between the beginning of July and the end of September (Two if you throw June into the mix), and in case anyone's forgotten, Critter is now a holy terror fully mobile bi-ped. I know, excuses, excuses, right? I figured as penance, I'd write a little essay on what I've learned on my summer vacation so far.

But instead of an essay, I'm going to write a list. And since it's a list instead of an essay, I should probably call it Snippets. So without further ado, here are my Sensational Summer Snippets. In list form. Typed one handed while eating jelly toast & praying Critter's Cheerios don't hit my living room rug before I'm finished.

1. Productivity decreases exponentially when overly inquisitive children begin walking & getting into a boat load of trouble. Blogging time actually drops to a negative number- I wasn't expecting that.

2. Rooms can explode immediately after cleaning them. As the Mother of a 7 year old, I've been aware of this fact for quite some time now. What I've actually gained knowledge in is the fact that previously mentioned rooms have the capability of exploding silently. It's the stealthy silence that kills me. The boy's a Ninja at heart.

3. Camping for an entire weekend with a 17 month old in a site that is right next to water is just about as much fun as a major league sunburn.

4. While the Tooth Fairy will visit when Mom and Dad are away and Aunt Annie is on duty, he/she will not visit if the tooth is lost during an overnight stay at Grandmas. It's in the fine print of Tooth Fairy contract listed under appendix 3.4, right after the "Your local Tooth Fairy will require a visual inspection of vacated space inside mouth in the event that your child has swallowed/misplaced the lost tooth before payment can be issued" clause.

5. It is possible to eat an ear of corn with one hand while holding little people on your lap and feeding him watermelon with the other.

6. If your husband takes your pillows camping you might as well just go out and buy yourself some new ones and save yourself the trouble of weeks worth of uncomfortibilitly because you can't get them to behave the way they were before they were accosted. I'm neurotic, I know, but the man had at least 6 thousand pillows of his own to choose to take. And I seriously can't get mine back the way they were. It's horrible, I tell you. Beyond horrible. My pillows have been thrown permanently askew by his behemoth family heirloom of a giant noggin.

7. I am a tick magnet. It almost got me in an accident when I discovered one on my upper lip while driving. That's a true story, too. Or sentence, technically.

8. Just the thought of ticks makes my head itch. Are you running your fingers through your hair? Seriously, My head is crawling and I have the heebie jeebies.

9. Thinking that your son may have seen some form of "adult time" when you've snuck up to your bedroom in the middle of the afternoon and not properly barricaded your bedroom door will haunt you for a long time afterward and put a pretty permanent damper on any future desire for adult time as well. Also, as traumatizing a thought as it is to imagine your parents in a compromising position, its easily 100 times more traumatizing when you're on the parent end. By the way, upon discussion, we opted for the don't ask don't tell approach. We figured if he saw what we thought he might have, there'd be the inevitable question or three hundred two. The questions never came. Crisis averted. And if I'd like to gain any desire for adult time this month, I should be changing the topic now.

10. Pretty much the only time Critter will kiss and hug on me enthusiastically is when he wants me to feed him. And while I'm on the topic of food, Smoochie has two hollow legs and if there's food in the house not nailed down it's hiding inside one of them. The boy has a mere 12 inches left before he's as tall as I am, so I know he's not going to have the nerve to get taller any time soon. He's 7. I really don't know what I'm going to do when I have to look up at a 9 year old to yell at him.

11. I have been spending a great deal of time at the local pool with the boys, and actually have the best tan since I was 15. But before you begin to envy me, please be aware that I have learned acutely there is no such thing as relax when at the pool with a 17 month old boy who has no fear. None. And also, don't ask me to raise my arms because the whiteness on the underside might possibly blind you.

12. I've been camping twice,and am preparing to camp again this weekend. I've somehow managed to get prom ready for 2/3 of my trips. I'll let you know if I'm able to finish the season with a perfect record. Some people just never learn, I guess.

13. Last month I had 1.75 whole days without my children to camp in the wilderness of Wisconsin. This weekend I get to have a full 3 & 1/2 days without them to camp with Bonehead and his friend Steve in the wilderness of Missouri. Saturday will involve a river float- my very first- and I'm sure it will be quite the learning experience. I'm feeling the need to remind myself that I don't have to prove myself as daring as Steve and John because I've already been there, done that. Should they discover any 60 foot cliffs, I'll be the one in the raft blinding you with the pale skin flash of trying desperately to tan my underarms.