Monday, December 21, 2009

Update

Some day I will be able to sit and write out the complete story of this time in my life. Some day I will be able to sit on the other side looking back and see things in a larger perspective. Some day I will have picked up the pieces of myself that are scattered across the recent months and fit something back together that closely resembles who I am and the path I am meant to be on. Someday I will recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror.

But for now, although I can't piece together the bigger picture, I can see enough of it to know I'm caught up in a massive whirlwind of hurt, emotion, and loss. And both my head and heart know that I have fully stepped into one of the darkest and most confusing periods of my life.

I've been avoiding my blog for a while now, I'm hopelessly behind on reading the blogs I used to take such pleasure in reading. I recognize within myself some changes. I am and always will be an optimist. I will always strive to see the good in life. I will always seek the joy and the laughter. These things I know without doubt. What I didn't expect, though, was that I would ever have such difficulty seeing these things before me. Laughter doesn't arrive to my ears as easily as it did a few months ago- at least mine doesn't. The joy is still there, I just have to search harder.

It's not my intent to have a little pity party for myself, I am trying to share what is in my heart without stepping over boundaries and sharing more than I am able to. The end of any marriage is, of course, a sad event. But little by little I am discovering as each day passes that it is nothing shy of devastating. No matter who is at fault, no matter what things have expired, the end of a marriage isn't pretty. And I guess I figure if it wasn't painful then I probably shouldn't have been married in the first place.

I have made my recent focus on just simply making it through the holidays. After I've made it through this difficult time, I will reassess and adjust my goals. The Holidays for me have always had strong ties with family and tradition and great joy. This year has been something entirely new for me, so I feel myself tripping in the dark a little bit. Eventually I'll be able to discover the light switch- I'm just going to have to stumble across the room first. And in a way, I am breathing a sigh of relief that they are almost here and will be over soon.

I'm working on a post regarding New Years Resolutions, but I will say that one of mine for the new year will be to blog on a little bit more regular basis. The past few months have left me searching for the words to express myself, and I'm beginning to think there's no way past that other than to just do it. And in honor of my always look on the bright side of life philosophy, this will be the first holiday season in recorded memory when I will leave it weighing considerably less than I entered. And by holiday season I mean from the moment Reeses ships out its first shipment of Peanut Butter Pumpkins to the time one wakes up bloated and hung over on New Years Day after the cramming of non-diet allowed food and drink. And truly, that is a beautiful thing.

6 comments:

Traci @ The Bakery said...

Chas...OMG...{{{{{HUGS}}}}! I had noticed I wasn't getting your tweets anymore....had no idea. My prayers for you girl. I just don't even know what to say....just cyber hugging.....

Jafael said...

Sometimes life just kicks our ass, and it takes a while to recover, find our bounce again. I certainly know how that is. It's ok to struggle. It's ok to be devastated. Hold on to whatever you can. Holidays are good for that. Take care of yourself.

Mom said...

You have a lot of people who LOVE YOU and they will be there for you when you need them to be! I Love You lots and lots!

for a different kind of girl said...

It's ok if you need to have a pity party. You're going through a lot right now, and everything you're experiencing is natural. I imagine this is a tough time of year, but I believe you're going to come through all the things you have to stronger and with a full heart.

(also...your new profile photo? Gorgeous, lady!)

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas Chas!

cindy said...

life does not come with a manual, there's times it would be nice but then also boring to know everything coming. Ours vows state for better and for worse well the better was the birth of both your boys and the worse is dealing with everything from now on, on your own but you are a very strong person and the humor will work its way back into your life, you enjoy life to much for it not to. There are alot of people out here that love and support you and when you need anyone of them just call or email and anyone of them will be there for you. Love you Aunt Cindy