Wednesday, October 14, 2009

One Week

I have started and deleted my next post about a hundred times since the last one. I have also started and walked away from my next post about a hundred other times. For the first time in my life, my preferred method of expressing myself is failing me. I can't find the words to express how I feel. Ironically enough, for the first time in my life my appetite has disappeared as well.

This has been without a doubt one of the toughest and most heart wrenching weeks in my life. What started out as probable divorce with a remote chance at saving it is now definite divorce with no chance at saving it. I have cried myself dizzy. I have experienced bouts of extreme anger. I have sat numb and lost. I have exercised obsessively. I have hugged my boys, and I have cried with them too. I have questioned my life, my self, my family, my ability to hold it together, and my heart.

I haven't slept much, and when I do manage to relax enough to fall asleep, reality often slaps my dreams and I wake up in a panic, yelling the word John into the dead of the night. It echoes in the silence.

I tell myself that I am strong, that I can make it through this- repeatedly- as if it were a record broken in my head, skipping back to the word strong over and over and over. I think maybe if I tell myself often, one of these times I might believe it. It might break through the wall of ache in my chest and finally once again let me take a deep breath.

The boys are first and foremost in my thoughts. I think of all the things I have to do for them. Not only do I have to wake up each morning to care for them and nurture them, I have to be strong for them. I have to show them that although it's OK to be strong and go on with our lives, it's also OK to be sad and grieve the family we were. I have to learn how to let go of him and still cultivate a friendship for the sake of the boys. I have to put my feelings aside and place the boys before any ache, hurt, or anger I might have.

I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am lost.

I am banking on the fact that it has to get better, because I can't see how it can possibly get any worse.


for a different kind of girl said...

I am sad and heartbroken for you, too, my friend. I've been thinking of you a great deal this week. YOU ARE STRONG!! The next few weeks and months are not going to be easy for you or the boys, but please know there will be glimmers of light and greatness sneaking in between. Please grab those when you can and hold them tight to your heart. This is a bump. A big, unplanned for bump, but you will get over it, and I think you'll be incredibly impressed with yourself when you do, and so will your amazing boys.

You are in my prayers.

Jafael said...

It will absolutely get better! You are strong enough to live through this, hang on. Exercise yourself silly, it's a pretty good way to cope.

Mom said...

Not knowing what to say to you right now other than I wish being your Mother I could take this pain from you, but not being able to do that I will take a quote you wrote about me and give it back to you “God will not give you more than you can handle. Put your faith in him, and no matter how dark things seem for you, and even though you don’t know how, you will make it through with his help.” I love you with all my heart. Mom