It Has to be New Math, but it Works for Me

1. Q: If I go to bed immediately at 10pm, how many hours of sleep will I have by 9am?

A: 5

2. Q: There are 4 people in our house, one of which is away from 5am to 7pm Monday through Friday, and one of which is nursing. How many dishes does this house use in any given day?

A: 4,325.2

3. Q: If your otherwise nice and friendly neighbors choose not to mow their lawn for an entire month in the middle of summer, how high will the grass grow if there has been ½ inch of rain and 30 days of sun less 2 cloudy days in that given month?

A: 3ft tall

4. Q: You have one baby who is extremely cranky between midnight and 3am. Do you:

a. Count to 10 backwards 100 times
b. Purchase a train ticket to find how fast he can speed away through a tunnel
c. Clean your kitchen, make Tension Tamer Tea and Pancakes while humming a
Fratellis tune

A: This is a trick question. There are actually 3 correct answers. While a. would be the most appropriate answer, doing C while secretly wishing for B will be accepted as well.

5. Q: If Smoochie is 6 ½ years old and Critter is 6 months old, and Mom is 33 years old, how old is Daddy?

A: The difference between person #1 and #2, provided the generally assumed age is 2 plus the age of person #3.

6. Q: How long of a bath can a 6 year old take?

A: Until his lips are deep purple and the temperature of the bathwater reaches ice cube status or approximately 1 hour.

7. Q: How many cubic gallons of bath water can find their way to the bathroom floor in an hour?

A: 35 if there are no bath toys included in the calculation, 236 if there are.

8. Q: If Train #1 leaves the station at 5:33am heading West for 37 miles, and Train #2 leaves the station at 6:01am heading East at 53 miles per hour, at what time will they pass each other?

A: They don’t. Train #2 got a load of the screaming Critter on Train#1 and the engineer stopped the train to go for a 40 mile bike ride.

9. Q: How much stuff can you fit in the trunk of an 86 Ford Tempo?

A. An entire woman’s wardrobe including shoes, a TV, Stereo, Curling iron and other assorted beauty necessities. Simply jump up and down on the trunk until you get it to latch and tell your wife NOT to open it until she completes her cross country drive. Word of warning: do not stand within 10 feet of the trunk when opening it.

10. Q: If you take a 1933 farm house and fill it with one energetic husband, one sweet
be bopping Smoochie and one rambunctious large lunged Critter, how full is the house?

A. The house if full to maximum capacity of love, laughter, joy, frazzled nerves, and entertainment.

Somehow, new math works for me.